The last couple of days of Dave Barry have been too good to keep to myself.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
TODAY'S ETIQUETTE TOPIC IS: Proper Table Manners.
The rules of etiquette can be tricky. Suppose you sit down to a formal dinner, and there are three forks at your place setting. Which fork should you use? The answer - and here I am quoting from the classic reference work, The Amy and Bud Vanderbilt Guide to Table Manners and Boat Repair - is "the cleanest fork." Using your left hand, and starting with the outside fork, hold each fork up and examine it for signs of crud; if you see any, you should, without drawing attention to yourself, switch it with a fork taken from the person sitting to your immediate right.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sir Isaac Newton, the brilliant mathematician, invented calculus, which is defined as"the branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics." That's the whole POINT of calculus. At college and universities, on the first day of calculus class, the professors go to the board and write huge incomprehensible "equations" that they make up right on the spot, knowing this will cause all the students to drop the course and never return to the mathematics building ever again.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
More Great Dave Barry, Teenager Stuff
I think of Dave Barry as a modern-day Mark Twain. He is very witty, intelligent, a great observer of human nature, and quite funny. Here is another one of his daily calendar excerpts.
Friday, February 16, 2007
In 1964, when I was a student at Pleasentville High School, I had a class with a teacher who had a major odor problem, to the point where, when he'd stroll past the rows of desks, which he did often, students would keel over in his wake. Being teenagers, we might have handled this situation in a cruel manner. But instead, one day, as the teacher walked past, a student in the front row, whose name I will not reveal here, sensitively whipped out a can of Right Guard deodorant, fired off a brief blast, then quickly hid the can before the teacher turned around. This gesture was so sensitive that many of us thought we would rupture key internal organs from vibrating so hard.
Friday, February 16, 2007
In 1964, when I was a student at Pleasentville High School, I had a class with a teacher who had a major odor problem, to the point where, when he'd stroll past the rows of desks, which he did often, students would keel over in his wake. Being teenagers, we might have handled this situation in a cruel manner. But instead, one day, as the teacher walked past, a student in the front row, whose name I will not reveal here, sensitively whipped out a can of Right Guard deodorant, fired off a brief blast, then quickly hid the can before the teacher turned around. This gesture was so sensitive that many of us thought we would rupture key internal organs from vibrating so hard.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Frustration Leads to Stupidity
Okay, it's just too darn tempting! Anyone who engages in a battle of wits and loses so pitifully, and then resorts violence, is obviously sheltered and immature. If a person says "I will not engage in futile rhetoric", he should stop there and not prattle on with a bunch futile rhetoric. (See comments from last post.) I now understand the irresistible compulsion that Sam and Mr. Fob feel to relentlessly poke fun at Marvin's tremendous ignorance. 
He cannot compete with them on any intellectual level and that frustrates him. So now he has resorted to physical violence. He has threatened Sam, me, our children, Master Fob, and our relatives.
He doesn't get it. THIS IS A BLOG!!! It is a personal forum for WORDS. People have the right to say whatever they feel, and the right to limit access to those who do not belong. What the heck is a bigot like that doing here??? It is exactly his kind of thinking, opinions, and threats that lead to hate crimes, the KKK, and people like Hitler.
So here’s another Dave Barry excerpt. Once in a while, he’ll have a day where he just lists some “great names for a rock band.” This commentary kind of goes along with those.
Friday, January 5, 2007.
I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, thirteen, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: “Moo.”). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that “it’s a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year.” Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that “wood ticks breathe through their butts.” This sounds logical to me, since if a wood tick had its while head burrowed into your body, it wouldn’t be able to breathe through its face (assuming ticks have faces) unless it was wearing some kind of tiny snorkel, which is unlikely, although I think we all have to agree “The Wood Tick Snorkels” would be an excellent name for a rock band.
Monday, January 29, 2007
- GOOD NAMES FOR ROCK BANDS -
The Flying Shards
The Fierce Prune-Eating Hamsters from Space
Marcel and the Turpitudes
The Groin Whappers
He cannot compete with them on any intellectual level and that frustrates him. So now he has resorted to physical violence. He has threatened Sam, me, our children, Master Fob, and our relatives.He doesn't get it. THIS IS A BLOG!!! It is a personal forum for WORDS. People have the right to say whatever they feel, and the right to limit access to those who do not belong. What the heck is a bigot like that doing here??? It is exactly his kind of thinking, opinions, and threats that lead to hate crimes, the KKK, and people like Hitler.
So here’s another Dave Barry excerpt. Once in a while, he’ll have a day where he just lists some “great names for a rock band.” This commentary kind of goes along with those.
Friday, January 5, 2007.
I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, thirteen, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: “Moo.”). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that “it’s a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year.” Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that “wood ticks breathe through their butts.” This sounds logical to me, since if a wood tick had its while head burrowed into your body, it wouldn’t be able to breathe through its face (assuming ticks have faces) unless it was wearing some kind of tiny snorkel, which is unlikely, although I think we all have to agree “The Wood Tick Snorkels” would be an excellent name for a rock band.
Monday, January 29, 2007
- GOOD NAMES FOR ROCK BANDS -
The Flying Shards
The Fierce Prune-Eating Hamsters from Space
Marcel and the Turpitudes
The Groin Whappers
More Dave Barry
I suppose it might have been more appropriate to post these on the days to which they correspond. So here is another one I find particularly funny.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007.
SCIENTIFIC QUIZ TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER:
1. Do large men sometimes break your thumbs?
2. Have you ever lunged accross a table to strangle a seventy-three-year-old grandmother simply because she said, quote, "Bingo"?
3. Have you ever, after gambling away your money and pawning your possessions, said, "Hey, why do I need TWO kidneys?"
4. Have you ever attempted to place a bet on the chariot race in Ben Hur?
5. If so, did you bet against Charlton Heston, your reasoning being that, hey, one of these times he has to lose?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007.
SCIENTIFIC QUIZ TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER:
1. Do large men sometimes break your thumbs?
2. Have you ever lunged accross a table to strangle a seventy-three-year-old grandmother simply because she said, quote, "Bingo"?
3. Have you ever, after gambling away your money and pawning your possessions, said, "Hey, why do I need TWO kidneys?"
4. Have you ever attempted to place a bet on the chariot race in Ben Hur?
5. If so, did you bet against Charlton Heston, your reasoning being that, hey, one of these times he has to lose?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
You Might Be A Redneck
The title is for our new friend, Marvin. We have had a lot of fun the last day or so. (Notice I am keeping my words small and I correctly used the phrase "a lot" as 2 seperate words, not one.) Hi Marvin.So I have been admiring the great work of Dave Barry lately. Last Christmas, Sam gave me a Dave Barry daily calendar thing, you know, the ones where you tear off a sheet a day to reveal a new quote, or picture, or whatever. Those are the greatest. And since Dave is from the south, I thought our new redneck friend might also appreciate an excerpt or two from the calendar.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007.
It is time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the award-winning column whose motto is: "People judge you by the way you talk, especially if you spit on them." Today, as is our usual custom, we will start with our first question, which is:
Q. Like most people, I would like to use the words "parameters" and "behoove" in the same sentence, but I am not sure how.
A. According to the Oxford English Cambridge Dictionary of Big Words, the proper usage is: "Darlene, it frankly does not behoove a woman of your parameters to wear them stretch pants."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
